So I should be studying for finals, but after completing my biochemistry one, I have no real motivation to study hard. But maybe that’s because I feel somewhat prepared? I mean, I did study hard beforehand – and we have a cheat sheet for tomorrow’s exam. Or maybe I’m just riding the euphoria that came with a successful final. Regardless, I figured I’d use my free time to write a post that I’ve been wanting to get out for a while.
When I first was notified that my job was on the line as a Resident Assistant, I did believe that the world had fallen apart. In the back of my mind, along with my parents’ reassurances, I knew that this wasn’t the end all. But at the same time, I felt myself unravel as everything I had built for myself in the past few years began to crumble. And although I mentally prepared myself weeks later, I was still blown away when I was given my official letter of termination.
And yet, here I am, three months later, a happier and more (hopefully) wholesome individual. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that sting of shame whenever anyone alludes to the Resident Assistant position and even the thought of The Hill and ORL makes me cringe. But I know it was for the best. Whenever I explained that to other people, they always gave me looks of pity and sympathy that I thought I was deluding myself. But here is proof that there is a reason why this particular event went down:
“I’m really glad to hear that you have now more time to yourself instead of constantly helping other people and worrying about other people.”
Though I may pride myself in relationship-building and truly getting to know another, only a handful of friends – maybe less than five – understand the emotional burden that I constantly carry. I know – crazy, right? Like having many Facebook friends and getting all these invites and “hello”s are stressful. If anything, I brought it on to myself by getting involved in everything and building up those networks. And perhaps I did. But as much as I love being around people, I also tend to be a major people-pleaser. I take initiative and get things done, which means if a group of us want to meet up, I’ll be the one who plans out everything. And planning every event can definitely take a toll on you. Not to mention, I also take it upon myself to solve everyone’s problems, listen to everyone, and put everyone else before me. What’s worse is that these actions of kindness and pure intent are often misinterpreted as “butting in”, “gossipy”, and “overbearing”. So it’s not as if I am simply rewarded for all that I do – many times, I’m simply chastised.
So with all of that said, you might gather why I have pretty much stretched myself thin by being so selfless. And being selfless, I would have never given up the RA position voluntarily. But having left it, I feel so much more free. Yes, I have to worry about money and rent, and yes, I don’t have my meals prepared in advance. But I have time to do whatever I want. If I want to stay out late one night, studying at a friend’s or hanging out in the CEC office, I don’t have to worry about my residents knocking on my door and waiting to return. If I want to go to every CEC event, go home every weekend, dedicate myself to school, research, or just me, I don’t need to factor in anyone else. It’s weird to be this selfish, but it’s such a freeing feeling.
So, having realized all of this – and having it all confirmed by one of my closest – I know that it was for the best and I feel good. This happened for a reason and I cannot wait to see what else life has in store for me.