Pause.

Two days ago, I felt both my breath and heart pause as I noticed the subject line of one of my emails. At first glance, I thought that the email, announcing a Facebook message, was simply spam and my mouse hovered over the delete button. But curiosity set in, and before I could stop myself, I opened this message that was sent at 2 AM and was completely thrown off balance.

I have been in love once before. It was hard, fast, and all-consuming. And whenever I told someone, they would shrug it off as a petty crush and nothing more. But I felt something – I knew something was there and the pull between us was indescribable. It wasn’t some big secret either, everyone and anyone could sense our chemistry. But we both came from strict households and therefore neither of us could ever dream of pursuing an interest. But the thing is, and it has been dawning on me more and more after reading this message, we may have been the best of friends, but I certainly wasn’t treated with due respect. And I think my love for him was what masked this unacceptable behavior.

He was intelligent, quirky, quick-witted, and had a thirst for knowledge that I found enthralling. I have always been clever, but in his presence, I pushed myself even further both academically and socially, tapping into potential I did not realize I had. He was the first person I spoke to when I woke up and the last person I said good night to before I went to bed. There was never a dull moment between us because there was always something to discuss, something to debate on. But with the wit, came the subtle insults. Crass speech that I didn’t particularly care for, but despite my protests, he would use regardless. Back then, I was the type of girl who didn’t utter a single term of profanity – so I understood that not everyone would abide by my moral standards. But it wasn’t just the speech, it was the words that were thrown at me. I had never cried over someone until he walked into my life. Words – hurtful, despicable language – cloaked in jargon so sesquipedalian, that I felt both insignificant and moronic simultaneously.

We were not in a relationship. We were not lovers, nor were we anything but close friends. But under that shield of “friendship”, I was in love with him, and so I took in what I could, without any reprimands and without walking away. All this time, all these years, I didn’t see it for what it was. I’m not sure – maybe because in my head, I associated it with solid relationships? Familial, martial – relationships of that sort. But in actuality, abuse – verbal, physical, emotional, mental – can happen between anyone and at any time. Certainly between friends, most certainly between close friends.

I fell in love with him, and for seven years of my life, I went through a roller coaster of emotions. As if I was looking through a window, I witnessed my demeanor shift and change and watched as my thoughts grew darker with every interaction.  I tried to move on from him as quickly as possibly. I tried to cut ties, and when that failed, I tried to become friends again. That chemistry between us, that never died, but now looking back, neither did his behavior toward me. My thoughts were discounted and my gender was used against me more often that not – I was patronized for the beliefs I held. Sure, there was some support – some words of encouragement, but just around the corner was another belittling statement.

Last year, with the end of school, I finally was able to let go. Gone were any feelings of love and respect. Gone were the feelings of pain and seeking revenge. I simply let go, and I’ve had such a happy year where I’ve grown so much.

Fast forward to Wednesday. His message was a six paragraph long apology detailing his sorrow for acting the way he did toward me. I’ve probably read this message over 50 times in the past 48 hours, agonizing over whether I should respond or not, and if so, how? My entire life, my “busy and exciting life that I am blessed with” as he so elegantly put it, was put on pause. My thoughts were naught by his words and figuring out what the underlying meaning was. Because you see, not only was this an apology to me – it was an apology to the entire female race. Someone he was familiar with had became a sexual predator and victimized mutual friends of theirs and he was suddenly hit with the realization that his misogynistic behavior contributed to this scenario. So this six paragraph long message is also a declaration of how he will stand up for women in this fight against sexual violence. And all of that, which, don’t get me wrong, is great and everything, had me utterly confused on why I was being associated with abuse given I have never been the recipient.

But it finally hit me. It hit me just moments ago. There is no ulterior motive to his actions. From what I can gather, there was no malice laced in his words. He just happened to arrive at a conclusion that I should have seen long ago. The friendship we had – as fated as it seem to be – was toxic. He never laid a hand on me, but his words were weapons enough to bring me down and force me into my own shell. Even his lack of communication, times when he would suddenly withdraw and leave me with cryptic sayings, was in a way, a form of abuse. He would leave and then come back, play with the strings that made up me and eventually, led to my unraveling.

As someone who believes in rehabilitation and second chances, I am content that he has seen the error of his ways and is trying to take steps towards becoming a better man. But I won’t be replying to his apology. There is no reason to – I’ve put the past behind me and his message only affirms my actions. I will never be the same person I was before I met him – that I know. But I will also never, ever put myself in a similar situation, and for that, I thank him.

– A.

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They Happen For A Reason

A detour from the usual to discuss a topic that often comes up when discussing the fragility of “meant-to-be” relationships. It is relevant once more as a close friend of mine decides whether she is as in love with her first and only boyfriend as she was in the beginning. For friends who are faced […]

Urges

Once we stop giggling at the word “urges”, let’s talk about how I am fighting a constant battle. I’ve made a pact to move on. I’ll admit, I’m taking the easy way out on this one and not confronting the issue head-on, but that doesn’t mean life has been a piece of cake. Every time I’m on, all I want to do is make one ‘click’ and see what’s gone down during this timespan. But I know that if I give in, just once, then I’m back to square 1. Yes, I might still think about it every time I’m on, but if I stay strong and keep moving forward, perhaps one day, I’ll let go of it completely. Until then . . .

Imprinting

With all the ‘Twilight’ craze in the air, it’s hard to not think about the newly-released movie, ‘New Moon’. Even if you are one of those people who are 110% against it, that hatred doesn’t keep you from hearing about the film and the response it is receiving. Now where do I stand with all of this? I began to read the Twilight series around Fall 2006. The reason I’m aware of this date was because Toni was the one who introduced the series to me and I’d read during bus rides to band tournaments. I’ll admit it, I am a hopeless romantic, so obviously, I was attracted to Twilight. I kept up with the series and anxiously waited for the release of the third book Eclipse. I followed the online site, which is when I found out a movie was in the works. I checked out the cast and was excited to see that Taylor Lautner was part of the crew, since I’ve had a crush on him since he starred in The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. And I remember telling people about it (advertising the series and the fact Taylor was in the movie) and having them return the news with an “I could care less” attitude. Riley and Kristina, in fact, just made fun of my interest in Twilight, exclaiming that it was first ghosts (alluding to the Mediator series) and now vampires.

Therefore, it was such a slap in the face when everyone began jumping on the bandwagon and over-obsessing over the books and more so, the movies. Obviously, one can understand why there was such an anti-response to Twilight, due to this unnatural obsession. People began quoting the books, getting tattoos, watching the movie 50+ times, and more, just to prove that they were the true fans. And these people included fellow peers who once before, ridiculed the mere notion of the book. For crying out loud, there were ‘fans’ who lined up for the New Moon premiere SIX days in advance. And there weren’t even teenage girls, but 50 year old mothers. Really, all I can say is, “WTH??”

I admit, I joined that line early in the morning of the 16th, but it was more to see Taylor Lautner than anything. And just for the premiere experience itself. But dear lord, the New Moon premiere was one on crack. It’s funny, in an article in the Daily Bruin, the reporter was saying how people need to learn how to be apathetic toward celebrities and treat everyone with the same respect you’d treat a celebrity with. She then continued on by asking “What did you think was going to happen?”

Were you planning to catch Robert Pattison’s eye and have him walk off the red carpet to ask you your name? Did you think that Taylor Lautner was going to rip off his shirt in slow motion just for you after taking you out after the movie? You had to know that unless you were holding a microphone in the press lineup that the stars weren’t going to stop to chat.

Wow. Now that was a slam back to reality. What DID I expect would happen? I mean, I claim to have been a true fan, who read the books way before the hype – and yet, compared to those people who surrounded me during the day of the premiere, I realized I was more of a poser, or at least, a little more sane. I also claimed to have lost interest in the series once the craze began. But in truth, I still enjoy the series, and loving the series does mean I have a desire to watch the movies. And I said before, crushing on Taylor Lautner, will cause me to ogle him. But that’s about it. I don’t want to “be a vampire” and I don’t want to get a tattoo of Stephanie Meyer’s signature. For me, the series is like any of my other favorite books.

Regardless of where I stood, I had fun at the premiere. I got to make fun of the crazies with my good friend and I got lots of ‘freebies’ which all ultimately go to my sister since she is one of those crazy fans ;) . The only downer was that Taylor Launter did not come to our side like his fellow colleagues did, whereas last year, he snuck out of the premiere to greet more of the fans. It is funny that he dubbed the passion of the crazy fans as “not normal”, but I was disappointed that this year he wasn’t as charismatic. I am hoping that the fame hasn’t gone to his head. Or maybe, I was one of those crazies who was hoping that in the midst of receiving his autographs, his eyes would meet mine, and he’d realized I was someone totally different from the rest. Actually, that’s not being crazy, that’s being a hopeless romantic.

So no, I am not some freaky fan with no life whatsoever. And no, I am apparently not sane. Haha, I am a hopeless romantic, who just wants to get a picture with a person who she’s been crushing on for 4 and a half years now. I suppose I am just me. (:

So until my next post, here’s something I snatched from Sabrina’s blog because obviously in the real world, there is no such thing as ‘imprinting’:

Why Do Boys Fall in Love with Girls:

(This was written by a guy)

1. They will always smell good even if it’s just shampoo.

2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.

3. How cute they look when they sleep.

4. The ease in which they fit into our arms

5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.

6. How cute they are when they eat.

7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worthwhile.

8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.

9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.

10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she’s the most beautiful girl on this earth.

11. How cute they are when they argue.

12. The way her hand always finds yours.

13. The way they smile.

14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after you just had a big fight.

15. The way she says “lets not fight anymore” even though you know that an hour later….

16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.

17. The way they kiss you when you say “I love you”.

18. Actually, Just the way they kiss you…

19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.

20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.

21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt.

22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt.

23. The way they say “I miss you”.

24. The way you miss them.

25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn’t hurt her anymore. Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you.

<3 A.

P.S. – I watched the movie New Moon and I loved it because the filming was so much better than the first one. It was just more visually appealing. And here’s the kicker: I think Taylor Lautner looks better with his shirt ON rather than his shirt off. Just in case you were curious. (:

Broken.

“I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you’re always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact that you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.”

You promised me that nothing would ever change. You promised me that no matter what, you would never be angry with me. You promised me that even at the worst of times, you would stand by me.

And yet, you left. You completely abandoned me and left. This isn’t some stupid romance novel, this was a friendship. A friendship that you said would flourish and be strong even in college. And yet, you let it die. And you left me broken.

Random Epiphany

Hello kids,

So it’s currently 11 pm, Friday night, and while talking to Young, I came upon this huge conclusion. Well maybe I secretly knew about it all along, but it wasn’t until I typed the words to Young that I discovered I had come across something big. Anyway, we were talking about all those lovely couples that are currently strong in our Senior class right now. Now some of those couples are absolutely cute where it is as if it is a match made in heaven. However, there are other couples where you just wonder . . . Haha, so we were talking about the schools these couples were going to and how a lot of them were going to separate schools. Now, most people would think that this is the end for these couples. But really, is this just one of those big tests that the couples are put through? Distance if often beneficial, because it is when you’re far away that you realize how much the other person means to you. Or not. Through this distance, one can find out how faithful the other is, or, one can find out how much it really wasn’t “meant to be”. So maybe, instead of striving to maintain the relationship by meeting up with your beloved every day after their classes end, give them some S – P – A – C – E. Or, if your situation is the other way, where you wait and see what happens instead of brutally cutting it off before you give the relationship a chance.

I understand, you can’t expect your high school sweetheart to be your future husband or wife. But I think many of us suddenly become afraid at the thought of leaving and going away. So afraid of the pain it will cause and the tears it will bring to our eyes, we decide to just make a clean cut. Now. Without a warning. Without a proper goodbye. And what good does that do, I ask you? Wouldn’t it be better to fight your hardest to maintain a relationship that really means a lot to you rather than destroy it way before? I know a few cases that have already occurred this year and it saddens me to know that those friendships are completely gone. Humans are naturally afraid of the unknown, but that’s no excuse. We are also predisposed to love. So why make it harder and cut every person who makes us happy out of our lives? Good question.

<3 A.

Blessed

Blessed for everything you’ve given me;
Blessed for all the tenderness you show;
Do my best with every breath that’s in me;
Blessed to make sure you never go.

I still can’t fathom how I was blessed with all of you <3

Horrible picture of me . . . but I love it (:
Horrible picture of me . . . but I love it (: