Unpredictable Until the End

Nearly a month ago, I had booked my one-way ticket to New York and was ecstatic at the possibility of a new life. Fast forward to today and not only am I still in sunny California, but I am in fact, not attending graduate school for the time being. Many may question this decision – in fact, many may assume that I simply “chickened out” or was all talk. But I can assure you, up until last night, my bag was packed and I was still enrolled in my classes at Columbia. And yet, this past week has been filled with so many events – “omens” you might say – that influenced my decision to stay. So I guess you could say that while it was decided last-minute, it was in no way a “last-minute decision”.

As I wrote in my previous post, an unexpected situation arose with the apartment. Months before, I thought I had secured an apartment and well-known apartment mates who would be understanding, communicative, and all above, kind – given that we were all Resident Assistants, I more so expected this than hoped for it. However, as the date for my arrival drew closer, certain unattractive characteristics began to unveil themselves. I could list out all of them here, but what would be the point? To reiterate, I am known to be a people-pleaser. What I hate more than anything else, is disappointing people. So to drop out of my apartment as quickly as I did must be supported by some legitimate reasons. Which I would be more than happy to discuss in person. Until then, let’s just say these misgivings grew to the point where I felt absolutely unsettled about the big move.

This past week, I felt as if I was burdened down with something I couldn’t quite pinpoint. As I continued to attempt to salvage the apartment situation, I began to think of alternative options. One possibility was to simply find a new apartment. Another possibility was – to the satisfaction of my mother – stay at home and instead, focus on my goal from elementary school. When I came into UCLA and immersed myself in the science curriculum, I was immediately discouraged. I began to doubt myself and my chances of getting into medical school and in fear of failure, I began to contemplate alternative career paths. Of course, those who were closest to me, such as my best friends and family, could not wrap their minds around this change in occupation. However, I had the support of those who did not know me quite as well and who believed that college was a time for change. So I readily morphed into someone who was never sure of what she wanted to be from the beginning. I ignored deadlines, the MCAT, and anything else that should have been done in preparation for medical school during my undergraduate career.

Fast forward to the end of senior year and I finally realized that I squandered away an opportunity on fear alone. So while I had decided to go to graduate school in Columbia for my Masters degree, I promised myself I would still take some steps towards becoming a doctor, whether that would be preparing and signing up for the MCAT or taking additional science courses on top of the courses necessary for my degree. I think that’s something many people have to understand – yes, it was Columbia. Yes, I had a set future. Yes, I could have gone on to pursue a PhD degree. However, this was my back-up plan. As much as I enjoyed Developmental Psychology in college, I really couldn’t see my life’s career being built around it.  Fear, rejection, the thought of not being where I wanted to be by the age of thirty – these thoughts and expectations are what fueled me to go the practical route and have a back-up plan rather than taking the plunge and fighting for what I love.

Of course, I considered the fact that this could be me, making up excuses once again for the condition known as “cold feet”. Could it be that my nerves are just getting to me? Maybe I am meant to go to New York. I know my mother is against it. I know my relatives in Sri Lanka are against it  – with the daily texts from my uncle and what not. So maybe their insecurities are what I’m currently feeling? But then, I spoke to my best friend, Siobhan, and reasoned everything out. And the next day, my best friends – JPAACKS – took  me out for a farewell lunch. And when I told them that I was considering deferring Columbia and just staying here to pursue my medical dream, they were absolutely ecstatic for me – happy that I was the “old” A. once more. And that’s when I knew for sure. If the people I love, see this as a viable option, then perhaps I am doing the right thing after all.

I told everyone that these are my “selfish years” – my only opportunity to go off to New York and discover more about myself. But being selfish means doing what I want. And after four years of throwing myself into school, volunteering, work, and research, I’m taking a break. A break from a schedule and doing some self-improvement in the comfort of my own home. Many of my fellow graduates cringe at the thought of going back to the nest. But let’s face it – I will have more opportunities in life to travel and explore. But the years are numbered when it comes to spending time with my family. How many more Halloweens will I have to actively participate in candy handouts with my family? How many more Christmases and Hindu holidays? I took this all for granted back in high school, but I do not intend to take these days for granted during my “one-year break”.

This year is still dedicated to me. I’ll be writing in my blog, working on ideas for a novel, exploring nearby cities and traveling, and hitting the gym with my best friends. But I’ll also be working towards my long-term goal of being a doctor. It’s going to be hard work – I know it. But I know whole-heartedly that this is what I want. And regardless of the number of years it takes, I’m going to get there. So with that, I have a new countdown – in five months’ time, I’ll be conquering the MCAT.

Until then,



Unexpected Turns

I’m feeling very lost right now. I’ve rarely given up on anything – I have a tendency to follow through even when I know it could be detrimental to myself. I took one large swan dive last night when I pulled out of my apartment. If you know me well enough, you know that I am a people-pleaser and there’s nothing I hate more than disappointing people. However, I had my reasons and rather than keeping my misgivings to myself and taking the plunge, I took initiative for the first time and did what I needed to do for myself. So I’m currently experiencing mixed emotions of pride, guilt, fear, and relief.

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Sometimes …

Sometimes …

I wish happy moments never ended. Getaway trips or random excursions could keep going. So much that my heart aches.

Sometimes …

I wish I didn’t choose UCLA. That I went off to a university in the East like I originally planned and had a clean slate and absolutely no one knew me and had expectations.

Sometimes …

I wish I was really smart. Or actually pretty. The life of a party or calm/collected. Or had SOMETHING going for me that wouldn’t make me some total failure.

Sometimes …

I wish I was a year younger. Bluntly, because I feel like I have/will never fit in.

Sometimes …

I wish I had parents who were traditionally American. Or I guess, not so stoic and harsh. People who are used to hugging and saying “I love you” on a regular basis. Because, thanks to them, I’m awkward when it comes to hugs, comfort, and love.

Sometimes …

I wish I wasn’t so headstrong or stubborn. That the thought of changing paths would not scare me so much. There’s so much I want to CONSIDER changing – from my current major to my profession. But the thought of change I guess, scares me.

Sometimes …

I wish I didn’t think so much. Or was as emotional. So I could actually be sleeping at 2:30 in the morning -.-

Matter of Minutes

In a matter of minutes and with a blink of an eye . . .


– One wrong maneuver results in a pass turning into a fail.

– The sudden urge for adventure takes over rational thinking and you suddenly find yourself hopping out of the window and over the gate.

– Another’s spoken thoughts and gestures influence your own individual ideas

– Friends are made and enemies are formed, boundaries both form and dissolve.

– An impulsive action can cause a change in major and a minor to be chosen.

– You find yourself looking at a stranger, when in reality, you thought they were one of your closest friends and the love for one person is replaced with pure spite.

– A child swimming happily in a pool can suddenly drown and all that can be really seen and heard are the mother’s desperate cries.

– Choosing the right amount of words is the difference between fantasy and reality.

– A deep rift can form within a family.

– A well-thought out plan can prove disastrous and a simple lack of judgment leads to hundreds of dollars in damage.

– The sun, which was setting so slowly beforehand, can disappear before your eyes.


And that pretty much sums up my entire July. Funny how in June, the days seemed to mesh together until they were one endless string of time whereas July came and went within a blink of an eye. It certainly doesn’t feel as if a month . . or 31 days have passed by, and yet, so much has happened. No, I’m not referring to those events that were planned and set in stone. In fact, it was those events that defied destiny and were decided upon within a matter of minutes. Whether the results were fatal or fortuitous, every detail listed above had some impact on my life. And I suppose it all goes back to that belief that every decision we make in our lives carries some weight. No decision should be made on a simple whim, but likewise, life isn’t going to wait for you to make one decision. So should one simply freak out and give up on life all together? Of course not, because life is a learning process and as Robert Frost once said,In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”

<3 A.