Spiraling Down

The Sunday before last, I had a horrible day. A day that started off on a very wrong note and progressed even further downhill. I believe it was August 3rd. I had finished up summer school and I had one last Immunology final to take online that day before I was “officially” done. I wasn’t nervous for the final at all – I had done well on all the other exams and quizzes and I had spent Friday and Saturday studying away. But I think what was said to me earlier that day threw off my entire plan. You see, someone very close to me said that they wished for my death in the heat of an argument. And although an hour later, they waved it off as nothing and said that we’re always ‘mean’ to one another, it simply didn’t pass. Those words were stuck in my head, replaying over and over again. And I began to feel myself sinking. As someone who fell down that hole in high school, and found myself very close to that hole once more my freshman year of college, I started to pull away once again.

Private Practice has been very therapeutic for me.

Private Practice has been very therapeutic for me.

Matters didn’t help that I decided to take my two-hour online final a couple of hours after this incident. At first, all was going well, but then, my computer froze. I’ve had my computer for about a year and a half now, and this was the first time it acted up. I thought it was a slight hiccup, and since I was good on time so far, I decided to wait for a few minutes and let my computer breathe. However, when 10 minutes had passed and I realized my computer wasn’t recovering, I completely broke down. I tried contacting my professor to let her know. I tried accessing the exam on my phone to see if I could continue. With my emotions running high, my nerves completely together, and the calmness I had while taking this exam prior had completely been thrown out the window. Time flew by quickly, and before it, the exam was over and I had left more than 25% of the test blank. I ended up getting a D on that final.

My professor was not responsive, similar to how she was the entire session, so I decided to restart my computer and at least try to get my mind off how crappy my day had been so far with some therapeutic TV shows. But my computer ended up crashing. It wheezed, and coughed, and groaned, and then just gave up. I drove to the Apple Store both that day and the day after to see what could be done. I was given two different diagnoses which is why I had to wait until Monday to come in again. $60 later and three hours spent in the mall simply sitting in one of those cushiony chairs outside of JCPenny (I am not a mall person), my computer was up and running again. But I wasn’t.

I stayed in my room for the next couple of days, staring at the walls with all my motivation extinguished out of me. I wanted to talk to someone. One of my best friends had already moved up to Davis. And the other one was busy with her classes at FIDM. I didn’t want to seem like a bother, but I was drowning. My mood was consistently unhappy, I was snapping at anyone and everyone, and for the life of me, I could not produce a genuine smile.

Luckily, as if persuaded by a higher force, my best friend from Davis spontaneously came back for a visit at the end of the week. In a 10-minute car ride, I spilled everything that had happened to her. And although there was not much she could do, just talking to someone lifted that burden I was carrying all week. My mood immediately lightened. Of course nothing had changed. My grade didn’t change, my professor who ended up being a mediocre Immunology lecturer didn’t change, those words were never taken back, and my $60 was never returned. But I got better.

I’m not sure why I’m bringing this up now. I mean, it’s been more than a week and I’m in a better mood now, definitely. But I guess it’s because, that shift in emotions was primarily because I was able to talk it out. Talking it out with a friend truly helped me. So I guess I’m writing this in hopes that if anyone out there finds themselves in a similar situation, no matter size, they will take the time to talk to someone. If you feel like you can’t talk to anyone, just know that I will always be here to lend an ear.

Talking helps,

A.

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7 thoughts on “Spiraling Down

  1. Glad you’re feeling better! You should, however, file a grade appeal for this course. You can show them the Apple Bill and your email to the professor. It seems fair for you to get the grade you deserve.

    • Thanks so much! Do you think showing the bill will make a difference? The professor’s busy with conferences/traveling, so she seems like she doesn’t have too much time to deal with this – and the class ended two weeks ago :/

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