Sunday Morning Musings

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This morning I came across a Tumblr that belonged to an acquaintance from high school. Now I say acquaintance because although we were project partners in middle school and knew of each other for many years now, we were never really more than “Facebook friends”. And let’s be honest, I was very much jealous of her. I was jealous that she was ranked #1 in our class of 900 students while also participating in multiple extracurriculars. I was jealous that she had been accepted and was going to Brown and on top of all of that, she had a steady boyfriend. I was jealous that she had a solid group of friends, all with bright futures themselves, and a fantastic physique. So you can imagine my interest piquing when I came across her blog. Now this blog consisted of 112 pages. 5 posts on each page which comes out to roughly 560 posts. I have other friends on Tumblr – friends that I actually speak to on a regular basis or who I “care” more about. Have I ever taken the time to read every post they written. Have I ever spent 2 hours just sitting there, clicking through each of their links and pictures?

But with this girl, I was just so curious to see how her life was. Was it just as seemingly-fantastic as it was in high school? It’s funny – as I read, I began to see more of her than I ever saw in the past 10+ years of knowing her. Back in elementary school, her family had so little money that it was a strict diet of ramen for many years. She struggled with eating disorders in high school and similar to myself, have had this ongoing internal battle of relationships & personal happiness versus career goals. However, unlike myself, she has prevailed in college. And yet, she’s still taking a year off before medical school.

I’m not sure why this last bit of information strikes me so strongly – I believe it’s because she finally seems somewhat ‘human’. The fact that this amazingly smart, beautiful, talented girl is also taking a year off doesn’t make it seem so far-fetched that I’m postponing my own medical dreams for another two years. In fact, reading her entire blog was more interesting/fulfilling like a good movie or book, rather than informative. Well no, I mean, it was very informative, but it was the type of blog that I would have willingly followed rather than out of obligation. It’s a shame that I’m still the same person from high school who shies away from public commitment in fear of retaliation. What I mean by this is, who knows what sort of reaction I will get. And even more frightening, what if she shares my blog with people in high school that I truly detest? People like that – people who are very much two-faced, I just can’t have them reading my personal thoughts. So instead of proudly reblogging every post of hers – I cut corners and found other sources so that I wouldn’t be linked to her in any way.

Funny how much time can be spent trying to stay invisible. Anyway, what I got from this morning’s discovery is much more than a few reblogged posts. It’s hope that things will get better. I always felt a little jaded towards those with money going to school because they were able to get so many more resources than I could. But from reading her posts, seeing how much time and dedication she put into her work, research, and school, I realize that I too, need to put a pause on my social life. I’ve been using the excuse of “making up for my teenage years” for far too long. It’s time to evaluate what is necessary. Obviously this means that Campus Events Commission should probably come off of my priority list. But I uphold commitments and will not shy away. Instead, this means that more effort MUST be put in to make every minute count.

That being said, I also need to suck up my pride and fear, and just DO IT. Yes, LA food adventures with Kevin last year were great. But I need to go above and beyond that. I need to take advantage of offers such as megabus.com (which, contrary to Adam’s annoying insistence, is not a scam) and travel. I need to do everything possible at UCLA so that when I leave, I know that I got everything I wanted from this university. No regrets.

Perhaps being let go from the Resident Assistant position was a blessing in disguise. In my heart, as much as my parents want me to stay around here for graduate school, I see myself somewhere out-of-state. And what would my future apartment mates there say if I had NO idea how to rent an apartment, access utilities, or make my own meals? Embarrassing, no?

Oh, another thing said in this girl’s blog that speaks words of wisdom is buying clothes that are more durable and future-conscious. Instead of buying random clothes on a whim or for a specific occasion, I need to start thinking long-term. I don’t believe it’s healthy to think everything out long-term, like she has done, but I do believe that in my twenties, as I travel, and grow, and become the woman I want to be, I do need to start taking this into consideration.

I have a beautiful apartment, a new MacBook Pro, CEC, my research, and my schoolwork. I will do what I need to do to be happy and successful and truly make 2013 memorable because I did something about it.

Yay for unexpected throwbacks and revelations.

<3 A.

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