If I needed you, would you be there in seconds?

As we’re getting closer to the end of the year, I’m beginning to reflect more on this past year. Specifically, this past quarter, as there were many big changes that will set a new course for me in 2013. And as I thought back to both the good and bad times, I started thinking about last month. When I was given the news that at the time, was completely heart-wrenching. Now you see, I’m normally the more optimistic person. I give words of hope and always believe that there is good. So when this news was delivered to me, it wasn’t only the life-alternating piece – there was the “let down” aspect as I took off those “rose-colored” glasses and began to see all the underhanded schemes. Now a good hour or two after I found out, I was gone. My heart was gone as I chocked back sobs with a stream of tears running down my face and the front of my shirt. And even though I try to be tough-skinned and be as independent as possible. I knew, that at that moment, I needed to be with someone else. For better, or for worse, I couldn’t be left alone.

So the first thing I did was knock on a door or two. No one answered. I, shamefully, admit that I even cried walking down my hall, but alas, for the first time, there was not a resident in sight. I texted a few people – called a few people, and there was no one who could be there for me at the moment. One person returned a phone call. Another came up about 20 minutes after I sent a text. And another one came an hour later with doughnuts in tow. And not to sound ungrateful – I appreciate each and every one of them. But they all had their lives as well and as I see now, this wasn’t the worst problem. I wasn’t dying – I’m sure that would have brought in many. But at the same time, who can I contact, when I need that source of comfort. I thought about one guy, but I realized how far away he was from me, both physically and mentally. Sure, we’ve always clicked and I’m sure he would have said the right things had he been right in front of me and the same person he was four years ago. But with his new engineering internship, his fraternity, his four years at a party school, I’m sure if I called, he would have a) not even picked up b) picked up and said he was too busy c) be alarmed and simply tell me to call another mutual friend of ours. And that’s someone else I’m wondering about. Why is it, that she can call me whenever she wants to give me grief, but I can’t seem to call her? Well, it’s because I have pride. I don’t want her hearing my news because I know she would go and tell someone else, and at the end of the day, I still want to seem invincible.

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