All Is Well

Why hello there – it’s been a while hasn’t it? You know, I’m starting to think that I have commitment issues. I mean, why else would I struggle at keeping up an online for a least a year? Or maybe I’m just easily distracted? I started “blogging” with WordPress mid-January of 2009. Well we’re in mid-January of 2012 and I’m still not comfortable expressing my every thought online. Which is smart, I suppose. But at the same time, I want to share. Is that being selfish? I have so much I want to say on a daily basis, but I tend to hold back 75% of those thoughts due to embarrassment or shyness or external circumstances. Which is why I don’t just simply delete these blogs I have. I want people to hear what I’ve got to say. I want them to offer me advice, criticism, solace, and comfort. I want I want I want – jeez, I’m so vain & selfish – I’m glad I was placed in the right staff.

If you thought I thought a lot back in 2009, well, then I went through a major thinking spree starting summer of last year. A lot has gone down since my senior year of high school until now. In fact, a lot has gone down between last summer and now. At the beginning of the summer, I was confused about what I wanted to do in life and if I was living life to its fullest. This may have been a result of turning 20 and experiencing a quarter-life crisis. But since kindergarten, I’ve wanted to be a pediatrician. Now, fifteen years later, I’m standing here, not ready for medical school and shying away from the MCAT. What did that mean? Last summer, I thought that meant I just wasn’t ready to graduate aka leave school – so I decided to follow up on a passion that had just developed and pursue a double major in Neuroscience. I spent a good part of fall quarter last year convincing myself (and everyone around me) that I would be staying at UCLA for five years and come out with a double major and minor. But now, I’ve only been through the first week of winter quarter and I already want out. Not only do I want out, but I want out NOW.

I don’t know where this sudden apathy of school came about – it may have something to do with my very spontaneous trip to Sri Lanka during winter break. But being there made me realize how much more time I wanted to spend with family. Now I’m not saying that my mother is suddenly not suffocating at all or that I want to come home every weekend from UCLA – but I do think the key to understanding myself is understanding my family. My family, my culture, my background, and what not. I’ve already decided that I’m going back to Sri Lanka in August. And if that means having to pay for the entire trip myself, then so be it.

It’s ironic – the more time I want to spend with my family, the less time I want to spend with friends. There was a period in high school where I wanted to simply live with my friends and never see my family again. It’s funny how my mother’s words tend to always have some truth in them. I’m not saying that I’ve suddenly distanced myself away from them. It’s more … I’ve stopped caring. No, that sounds bad – when I say “stopped caring”, I mean, I’ve stopping working at trying to make these friendships work. I understand that all relationships require work from both ends. But that’s the key phrase, “both ends”. A relationship where one person is putting in all this effort – or it seems like he or she is investing a lot, well then, that’s not really a friendship is it? That’s just work. And as much as it sucks knowing that some friendships that I naively thought would last well after marriage and kids, are about to burn out, I also have met some amazing people this year that give me certainty that there are more people like that in the world, ready to be met.

<3 A.

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