Falling Slowly

Hello there,

It’s been a while since I’ve written in this blog. Actually, lies. I’ve written numerous posts here, but have failed to publish them. Same with Tumblr – I have over fifty drafts waiting to be published and displayed to the public eye. But I’m holding back due to my insecurity. The same insecurity that has consumed me for the last ten years or so. Don’t get me wrong, Tumblr is amazing when it comes to posting music and sharing similar interests with the rest of the occupants in the Tumblr community. However, as this community is growing, it is also extending arms to a select few who I feel I must put up a guard against. I cannot simply state what’s on my mind until I have gone through an extensive filtering process that allows me to determine whether or not posting such information could put me in jeopardy in the near future.

Then again, posting any information at all on the internet is a dangerous stunt to begin with right? The smart thing to do would be to create a private blog or just continue posting on both Tumblr and WordPress, but through a private option. But of course, my extrovert self comes into play here as I cannot just write posts without a purpose. I need to share them with someone out there. With Tumblr, I was hoping that I would have a lot of random followers, who would not know me and my life story, but instead just hear what I have to say. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I am in need of an unbiased, third party. I have so much I want to say. So much I want to divulge. But I need to tell someone who isn’t connected to me at all, reassuring me that no one will be hurt in the process.

I am currently reading a book called “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, while neglecting my escalating workload. In this book, the protagonist writes letters to an anonymous friend in order to get his thoughts straightened out and written down on paper. That’s what I need – an anonymous friend.

As always, I have a constant rush of thoughts in my head. I’ve taken to carrying a notepad and pen with me everywhere I go in order to record certain thoughts that come across my mind, so that they are not lost in the masses later on. I swear, if I could clear out every single question, comment, and concern in my mind, I would definitely be 10 pounds lighter.

I do love and appreciate the life I’m living. But there’s so much I want to figure out and solve. I feel as if this past summer, more complications have been added to this mix. For a while, I stopped communicating through Facebook, AIM, etc – it was just becoming more of a chore. Until today, I was doing pretty well. Then of course, I went on Facebook and now I feel obligated, once again, to respond to everything. There’s so much that needs to be done. From classwork to research to work to volunteering to personal enlightenment. Now prioritize that and it seems like self-discovery is always at the bottom.

I wrote a lot more today. But again, I cannot be too sure who will read what I’m posting. Then again, I could just be a self-absorbed child who thinks the entire world revolves around her. Either way, let’s end here and see where this goes.

Until later,

<3 A.

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