Alright, so rejection. I can’t stand it. I try to avoid it at all costs, even if it means ultimately losing. I don’t know why it’s such a big fear of mine. Maybe it’s because there’s a tiny part of me that thinks that no one wants me when I am rejected. And hey, it’s human nature to want to be loved and be in love. But it is also common knowledge that if you don’t put yourself out there, you won’t get anywhere.
So why couldn’t I just ask him to Sadies? I mean, if I REALLY wanted to, I could have gone through with it. And if he said yes, I could have found a way to go, buy the clothes, the entire thing. And yet, it was that IF. If he said yes. Because chances are, with such beautiful, oriental girls around him, he would have said no to me. I’m not the typical asian that dominates the school. So why choose me over any of them. Especially when you’re one of those popular kids who any girl would want to go with?
Other people said that for sure he would say yes if I asked him. But why? Because we’re both in Leo Club? Because we both happen to be involved in Leo Club? Well, looks are deceiving, and so was that undying devotion he seemingly portrayed for the club AFTER Youth Symposium. See, this is what happens when you go to the Youth Symposium, or any get-away weekend that is just fantasy-like. You enter a cave of darkness and are blind to the faults of others. And so after Youth Symposium, I really thought I had fallen for him. I thought he was perfect. Long legs and a short torso, Persian (Serendipity <—— Seredip <—— Persian for “Sri Lanka”), a passion for Leo Club, a Senior, literally a Leo in astrology (which is supposedly the perfect match for a Gemini), tall, kind, assertive, funny, fun to be around with, and all together a decent guy. I thought, yes, this isn’t a crush. This is downright more because no one has ever made me feel like this <——- excited to go to school just to see him, other than that other guy. And I thought, well HE and I were never perfect fits, but this, this IS perfect.
And yet I didn’t ask him because of my insecurities. And because, if he did reject me, that would completely shatter my fantasy and I would rather live in fantasy than reality. But why? Because my reality isn’t exactly heart-warming. I have two parents who have such high expectations they are unreachable. A father who doesn’t acknowledge the fact that I have studied this hard and haven’t been rejected from a school yet, but instead dwells on the fact that I wait-listed for Washington University. A mother who just cannot accept me for who I am. When I wore collared-shirts, jackets, and long sleeves, she said I dressed like an old woman and didn’t act like a normal teenage girl. When I developed more of a fashion sense and began to pair tank tops with a little sweater, she said it was too revealing to the point where it was whoreish. So what’s enough mother? In my fantasy, I am the ideal daughter that her parents always wanted. The daughter who never disappoints but instead, will always bring in pride. Pride. I have never been P-R-O-U-D of myself. Sure, I have been proud of others and I have achieved certain things, but I have never felt like being myself was worthwhile. I don’t know why . . actually scratch that. I know why. I was just always raised with the notion that I’m not good enough.
Because of my parents’ limitations, I have never been able to experience those childhood necessities. Like playing with other kids on the streets, or going to one another’s houses, or sleeping over. And as the demand to study increased, I lost touch with my friends to the point where I came back and felt like a stranger. So I of course started rebuilding those relationships, because I wasn’t going to let friendships, especially those formed nine years ago, just go to waste. But doing so, the fights with my parents increased. I don’t know what it is with parents who think that the friends are the cause of the rifts created between their children and themselves. I definitely don’t want that with my future family.
And so that’s another fantasy, raising a family with a good foundation and relationship. We would have daily dinners together, regardless of everything else going around, so that we could actually connect, and I would trust that because I raised my kids well, they will make the right decisions. I won’t deprive them to the point that they continually have to question their own identity.
God. I wish people would stop disappointing. Give me something to believe in please. My parents, though I love them and everything they have done for me, disappoint me so much. And everyone else I care for. They all . . . just don’t seem to care at the end.
So what was I talking about? Oh, that guys – whowas a fantasy to replace the cruel reality of HIM. I heard that guy had a “burn-out” (which he was later punished for), because he was so excited that this other girl asked him. But that didn’t bother me. But when Kristina told me that she saw him at Sadies with her. That’s when reality came back in. She is one of those beautiful, asian girls who I could never compare to. And as I keep thinking about it, he isn’t as devoted to Leo Club. Sure, he maybe stands with the board, but he doesn’t come to all the events and all the board meetings. He may SAY something, but he doesn’t really. He’s ultimately, all talk and no action. He couldn’t go support Tim at his student speaker contest after promising him so, but he could go to Sadies the day after. I know we adopted him as the Leo family, but really, he isn’t. I don’t consider him to be part of my close family at all.
So there goes another fantasy. A fantasy of going to prom with my Leo kids. Where I would go with hima and wear this stunning, long, yellow halter dress (already can picture it), and Tim would go with Diana, and Freddie would go with Katherine, and so on. No, it doesn’t work out that way, now does it? So let’s close that vision. And start sticking to reality.
TOK: Assignment in April due
Math: Study for IB exam, Surprise tests?
Biology: A on Tuesday’s exam
Psychology: Read the book.
Lit: Finish Joyce Journals, start/finish Woolf Journals, study for Joyce test, find Joyce book
Chem: Chem presentation
Scholarships, 2008 Tax Return Forms, IDOC, competitions = H.E.L.L.
Welcome to reality.