Ever had any of those far-fetched visions that you knew couldn’t happen? Those dreams that you knew would never occur, but still get you through the day? Well you’re looking at the person who dreams and wishes daily. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m quite the realistic person at times, however, I generally try to look at the bright side of issues. I know what you’re thinking. If you’re really an optimistic, why would you talk about “Jumpin’ off the J Building”? Well, whenever I said that random comment during times when my friends were about to give up, they would suddenly smile. I don’t care what anyone else says, but smiles and laughter gives one just a little boost to keep going. And that goes the same for those little far-fetched visions and “pipe dreams”. However, it’s when those dreams are taken more seriously and then the realization that they are just visions hits, that one is hurt the most.
Remember the wonderful Youth Symposium experience I wrote about a little more than a week ago? The fever I was in as if I was high off ecstasy because of all the memories? Well, a vision sparked in my little, naive head that maybe, just maybe, a Youth Symposium – Part II could be created. Just so I could have that one last adventure with my Leo family. But what made this vision seem realistic was that at the beginning, everyone agreed to it. It seemed like this was something I could actually pull off. So YS 2 became my top priority. Researching, planning, coordinating meetings. However, like everything else, when reality began to hit, everyone realized that there was too much work involved in this process. So now it’s over. It’s kind of sad, because this morning, when I woke up, the first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn’t wait for the meeting at 5 pm today. But as the day went by and everyone began to raise separate issues, by 5 pm, I realized that my dream had lost it’s hope and meaning. I mean, sure, there are other ideas like, just going to Disneyland for two days, just to socialize. But I know in my heart it’s not the same. This supposed dream trip in my head involved a road trip to San Francisco, where we would go to another school’s Leo Club meeting, inspire new Leo Clubs in other schools, clean up graffitti in local parks, visit colleges and most importantly, initiate a new way to broaden Leoism outside of Diamond Bar’s boundaries. Haha, stupid me right? When I dream, I dream big, and when I fall, I fall hard. One day, I know I won’t be able to get up from such a fall.
But being the optimistic person I am, I usually get up and pretend that nothing has happened. I continue to help everyone and anyone out and strive to commit my best to anything. And yet, I’m one of the few who hasn’t received that happy ending. Yes I know, my story hasn’t ended, so how can there be a happy ending. Well, life isn’t a story, so why should I have to wait for a happy ending? Why can’t something really good happen, without repercussions following, giving me some kind of hope that everything I have done, everyone whom I’ve cared for, has not been a waste? Or maybe, I’m just blind, and I really am not the good person who I perceive myself to be.
Or maybe God’s just telling me that I’m too trusting and caring. That whatever I do, I will never exceed or even meet other’s expectations. You know, at the end of Junior year last year, I made 10 resolutions for senior year. One of them was being a great captain and getting us into WGI finals this year. No joke, I took my becoming captain seriously, and even though I wasn’t the greatest spinner in guard, I wanted to leave an impression, especially on the freshmen. But because of all of the circumstances, we find out that we can’t go to WGI this year. But there’s still hope that we could win Circuit Championships and go home with the gold! And yet, even though I’ve repeated these thoughts so many times to the the veterans, it’s honestly as if no one cares. Or at least the majority. And it’s so frustrating that even as captain, I don’t get the respect that I want. I mean, I’m not Hitler. Hell, I basically don’t command at all. And yet, there are certain people who just refuse to grow up and just listen. And what irks me even more is these certain people are now influencing others, who used to be so nice to me, to ignore me as well. So what’s the point right?
And yet today, I went to watch the JV practice, and they truly inspired me. I was able to host practice for a little while until Michael showed up, and it was just so much fun. Color guard, despite all the complaints of having practice certain days, is truly something I like to do. And having them all listen to my ideas and work so efficiently . . . it just felt good that at least SOMETHING was going well. And when I left, all of them came up to me and told me how much they loved having me host practice. Just hearing that, it felt good. So, why is it that I can ellicit love and respect from younger kids who I just met last year and not from those who I have spent almost all of high school with?
This week I am just riding on an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve felt so much that I feel like tomorrow’s already Friday. I just keep getting this mental shock as I realize it’s only Tuesday of this long week. I felt accomplished and overjoyed when I finally got to go to my first sleepover Saturday night. I felt as if my just rewards had arrived. And then the practice on Monday comes, along with this hard YS reality check today, and now I’m just upset. That and ecstatic, annoyed, hurt, depressed, confused, pleased, and disappointed.
I just can’t believe that a little over a week ago, I was in Fresno and having the best weekend of my life. How does time just quickly pass by? When you want something to come, it’s as if the days have stretched out immensely. But when you never want to leave a certain moment in your life, time accelerates to the point when you look back and everything is a mere blur.
I think I may have a psychological disorder. Because at this moment, life is Pointless. Confusing. Disturbing. And all together Lovely.