Have you ever woken up with a tickle in your throat? Or a head so heavy that you feel like you can’t lift it off your pillow? Well my friends, if so, then you have been hit with the common cold. And you know what’s the worse part? The nasal congestion? The watery eyes? No, it’s the horrible sore throat that causes you to change from an independent young adult to a whimpering child in seconds. So when all these symptoms suddenly bombard you early Sunday morning at 1 AM, the most one can do is just lie there and think about the events that have just passed.
When you think about it, the common cold somewhat correlates to the negative events in one’s life. You try to relieve yourself of everything by blowing your nose on a tissue, and for a mere few seconds, you do suddenly feel better. But as quickly as it went away, your head becomes cloudy once more and that aching feeling spreads around your body. This past week has been, in simple terms, hell for me. Yes, I know it was finals week so of course, everyone else thought it was hell too. But there were so many other factors, that by Saturday morning I had felt as if I had climbed up a steep mountain with a boulder tied to my back. Actually, I don’t even know if I reached the top of the mountain . . . I may just be at the bottom still, struggling to make some kind of progress forward.
That’s been one of my life problems. I take one step forward, and then because of my stupidity, I am forced to take three steps back. For example, after we got out of school for Winter Break, all those worries I had completely went away. I had such a wonderful Winter Break, helping the community, getting enough sleep, staying on top of my homework. And then 2009 came in, which was celebrated in such a right fashion with my wonderful family – my Leo family. The Rose Parade itself made me feel like everything this year was going to go right, as I waved at people and brought smiles to their faces for acknowledging them. And then school kicks in again.
And when I say “kicks”, I literally mean that school completely kicked me off my optimistic, happy cloud and caused me to hit hard, dirty reality. I’ve always had to rely on that extra credit, or an easy final, to maintain my grades, because with color guard, I really couldn’t focus on school 100%. But usually, I was able to come out in the end successful, content that another semester had been executed in the right fashion. However, this semester was truly my hardest semester. I don’t know why . . . everyone says that Junior year is the hell, but honestly, I would take Junior year all over again then have to have taken this past semester once more. I thought that I would be able to pull it off, at least for one more semester, but I couldn’t. Even those classes that I thought I didn’t have to think about twice failed me at the end. And that was why I was near tears Thursday during lunch.
Most of the times, I can hide my emotions with a mask. I offer my assistance to anyone and allow myself to become an outlet for him or her because I know how it feels to keep something built up inside. However, when it comes to me, I feel that in order to be a “rock” for others, I have to maintain a pleasant composure the entire time, or else, that rock will crumble, and all those who find me as a support will feel as if I have failed them. I hate disappointing people, which is why I never like to burden someone with everything that’s on my mind.
And that is why my head remains clouded constantly and it is so easy for me to “drift off into space”. I can take one factor and start over-analyzing it, wondering what I “should have, could have, would have”.
Alright, so we got school down, which covers IB, now the other two major activities in my life: Leo Club and Color Guard, which happen to connect with one another quite well this time. Leo Club and Color Guard. Color Guard and Leo Club. Two things I couldn’t live without, no matter how much I sometimes am annoyed with them with a passion. However, having been Leo President last year and Color Guard Captain this year, I have tried to please both sides without ever having them conflict with one another. Now let me tell you something kids, nothing ever goes the way you plan it. Or at least for me. First major conflict of the year? The All Club Food Fair. I don’t want to go into depth about that, but let me tell you, it’s one of those events that I will never forgive myself for. So now arises another conflict. Since last year, I knew I would be going to Youth Sympoisum 2009 on Valentine’s Day weekend. After having such a wonderful experience the year before, I was completely ready to make memories this year. Then I find out that there is a possibility we, as a Color Guard, might have a competition on February 14th. Since October, I have checked WGASC (the official Color Guard site) 3-4 times a day, praying that this show wouldn’t be confirmed. But because of the situation we were in, where Mr. A wasn’t doing anything about our financial needs and because of Mr. A, our instructor, Michael, couldn’t do anything, the DBHS Color Guard wasn’t signed up for ANY shows. It’s like being on a basketball team and knowing that you still aren’t signed up for any games with any other teams AFTER the season has started.
So now I’m in a predicament, where I don’t know whether we have a show that day, and the money/forms for Youth Symposium are due. I message my instructor, talk to Mr. A, talk to some girls in the guard, and ultimately I decide to choose the Youth Symposium. Then, on Friday I find out that our first show, my first show of my LAST season of Color Guard, is on February 14th. I have no idea what to do. On one hand, I love my Leo family, and this year, I’ve been nominated for an award – so the Youth Symposium should be priority, especially since I’ve already went through all the practicalities. On the other hand, Color Guard has been my life for SEVEN years and this is my first show as captain. What would everyone think if their captain wasn’t at the first show? I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel as if I am being forced to choose between two of my children.
Now my social life outside of school. In less than 90 days of school, I will be graduating from DBHS and whether I do decide to go to a school in the opposite side of the United States or in California, most of the relationships formed in high school will slowly begin to fade away. My best friends, who I love so dearly, will start their lives and go off in opposite directions. So second semester of Senior year means making the most of these friendships and forming lasting memories. But how can that happen when with my full schedule, I have a family who constantly must suffocate me and keep me within boundaries. My parents don’t understand how much friends means to me, and therefore are relunctant to allow me my freedom. I spent the last three years within boundaries and I regret that so much because this year, I finally realized how much I missed out when it comes to my friends. My parents have constantly nagged me to focus on academics. But you know what? I basically sacrificed myself by entering IB and for what? Nothing. There are people who are ranked #1 in our huge 2009 class and they were able to enjoy their ENTIRE four years of high school with their friends while taking a few challenging courses. So you know what, I’m following Freddie’s advice. Screw all these plans for the future and just live for the present. I am NOT going to leave high school with the feeling that I didn’t achieve as much as I could have.
So as second semester of Senior year comes in, I am definitely going to take it by storm. No more holding back, afraid of what other people might think or say. No more fear of rejection. I WILL accomplish something worthwhile.
So now I am having tea with a dash of lemon to help my “common cold”. You know how the heat of tea just rushes throughout your body, warming everything from the tips of your fingers all the way down to your toes? It is as if the warmth causes the fog in one’s mind to clear up and disappear. That’s what I feel every time I write in this blog. It’s a place where I can let everything out without having to worry and the jumbled mess in my head can be laid out in a practical manner. So of course I am going to write often and write a lot. A few people have told me that my blogs require too much focus and that will cause people to not read them as much. But you know what? This blog is for me . . . I’m not trying to please anyone else. If you want to read this, go ahead, and thank you, if you know that something’s been up with me and just want to know what’s going on. However, no one’s forcing you to read this, so don’t bother if it’s “too much to handle”. Maybe that’s why I’ve never bothered to tell you all of this in person. Just a thought.
For those of you who really do care though, I love you so much. Being able to say “I love you” is hard for me, but when I do say it, I mean it. Just know that whenever you need someone to talk to, I am ALWAYS here.